Life Down On The Farm

I like to be in control of things. I want my house to look a certain way. I want my children to behave a certain way. I want to finish my work by the end of the day before I go home. I have a hard time letting someone else be in charge.

This runs me into a problem when I can't control something. This particular something is the health of my child, and there is nothing more frustrating than not being able to control that. Watching your child suffer and you have no control over it or no way to fix it is the worst feeling. Knowing my child will read this and then feel badly because she is making me feel bad is also the worst feeling. Yet I have to express how I feel, I just have to vent because I am not in control and it bothers me. I want to fix her and make her into the person she was before. I want to turn back time and make everything all right. I want to put people in different places so different things will happen. I want, I want, I want...yet I can't do any of those things. So I have to learn to let go of the control and learn to control a new thing, a new person, a new reality. Not a bad thing to do, just a difficult thing to do.

There are no words to express the love I have for my family. There are no words to express the hurt I feel when one of them hurts. As my children grow and move on I lose control, and I am okay with that. I raised them to be independent. I just want my final child to be able to grow and move away confidently, to be happy and healthy. Is that so much to ask for? I will give up control if I can just give her the life she so much deserves.