I have had several people ask why I took all reference to Eli off of my blog so I thought I should set the record straight. So many things run through my mind when I think of Eli it is hard for me to put it all down. First and foremost I think of him as Becky's boyfriend, the love of her life, possible future husband...the list goes on and on. But I also think of him as one of my own kids...just one more trouble-making teenager to keep track of :p He is also a grown man who is fighting for our freedom in a war zone...and he is also the true son of his own parents, who I barely know. I think the reason he has captured so much of my attention is simply because he paid attention...first of Becky's boyfriends who actually cared that she had parents! Also, this is the first boy that I truly think Becky loves...the others she may have thought she did, but it wasn't true love, this time it is different, I can see it.
There is a fine line between caring about Eli and going too far...especially when it comes to Becky. To her he is her boyfriend and really has nothing to do with me, so when I text him or email him it is hard for her to understand that I am doing those things to Eli, not to her boyfriend. The relationship that they have is totally separate from what I feel for Eli and Becky as separate people. I see them as a couple, but I also see them as two separate kids that I love. Once in awhile I step over the line and then all heck breaks loose! I have been known to talk to Eli about Becky and their relationship, which she absolutely hates, so therefore I no longer do that...what goes on between them is between them and no one else. But, I still have feelings, for lack of a better word, for Eli and I refuse to stop caring about him. I hope to someday call this child my son-in-law...early to be hoping for that, but he is a great kid and he and Becky are great together. It is rare to find an 18 year old who has the maturity that Eli has, and both he and Becky have big plans for their future...both alone and with each other.
I have a hard time letting people I love go...and it is no different with Eli. When Brian first went off to college I was devastated, I missed him so much and called or emailed a lot that first month or two. It took me awhile to get used to the idea that he was grown-up and on his own and didn't need me anymore...well not need me as much anyway. Although I was only around Eli for six months I got pretty attached to this boy, and when he tells me he refers to me as "mom #2" it didn't help my attachment issues. I think it is hard for me to let him go without contact because I know he will be in danger when he gets to Iraq. But, for the sake of family unity and happiness I have stopped texting and emailing him...I will let him come to me. Therefore, I also took down some of the things on my blog that referred to Eli...just easier that way for everyone.
I will support my children until the day I die, just as my parents support me no matter how old I get. I wear an ISU MOM t-shirt because I am proud Brian went to ISU. I will get a Kansas t-shirt and a USD t-shirt too, because I am proud to brag about my kids...lucky for me Becky and Kayla will go to the same college :). I wear a yellow "Support Our Troops" bracelet for Eli and I have a dog tag with his name on it that hangs on my keychain. No matter what, I will support my kids...be it the three I am a "real" mom to or the one, two or three that I may some day be a mom-in-law to. No one will change my mind on this, I just have to learn to not cross the imaginary line that makes others uncomfortable. I do not, nor will I, apologize for loving Eli as my own son...but I will keep it a little quieter for the sake of my daughter, who comes first.
June 12, 2009
June 16, 2009 at 9:44 PM
I admire your willingness to "love from afar." That would be hard to do ... But clearly, Eli will know that you are there. And in the quietness of your heart, you can serve a key role in his life as a prayer warrior!
God bless you, friend!