It is hard to let go of a child. You spend at least 18 years with this person, teaching them right from wrong, teaching them respect and honesty, teaching them to walk and talk...and then they suddenly stop talking to you...about the important stuff in their life anyway...and walk right out of your life. It is a hard transition to make.
Two years ago I watched Brian walk into his fraternity house as I walked back to my van...leaving him in Ames was the hardest thing I had ever done. I no longer had access to his life, not that I had a lot before, but at least I saw him every day and had some sense of what he was doing. When I arrived home that night I realized I no longer had any idea how Brian would be spending his days or with whom or even where he would be hanging out...and that hit me like a brick wall. I had lost my son...or so I thought. After I got over the drama I realized that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in life...I had raised my son and now I had to let him be independent. Not easy, but I had to.
Now I am on my second child leaving me. This one, my first girl, is going to be harder than Brian was. Becky has always been more open about what her life involves than Brian ever was...but since Eli came along that has changed too. Now I have to question Becky if I want to know what is going on, she doesn't come to me and tell me what she has been doing and what she has been saying. Now that she has a boyfriend everything is a secret...which is understandable, they deserve their privacy. I know this and I respect this...but it is so hard to deal with. I worry about all my kids, but now I worry the most about Becky, simply because she is so secretive about her life with Eli. In just 2 short months it will be Becky that I am saying good-bye to at college and leaving behind...it is going to be even harder than leaving Brian.
In two years Kayla will be leaving for college and I will be an "empty-nester" as they say. I am looking forward to spending time with just Dan and me, but I am going to miss my kids. I guess it is supposed to make it easier to let them go when they act like they want nothing to do with us as they become teenagers and get their own lives...but it doesn't. I miss talking to Brian and I miss knowing what is going on with Becky. I know I am an over-protective mom and I know I expect too much of their lives to be public for me...but that is just who I am, I can't change anymore. I will keep asking questions and keep prying into their lives for as long as I am around...no matter how old they get. I love my kids and letting them go is the hardest job I will ever have to do.
June 17, 2009
June 23, 2009 at 8:31 AM
My kids are still young -- 7 and 5. But something tells me this moment of "letting go" will happen before I'm ready for it.